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Emo-philips

Emo Philips
(American Comedian)

Date of Birth:: February 7, 1956
Nationality:: American
Quote count:: 41
Times favorited:: 152

Emo Philips is an American entertainer and comedian. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians and garden path sentences.

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All quotes by Emo Philips

(41 quotes found)

Emo Philips

“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

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Emo Philips

“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”

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Emo Philips

“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.”

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Emo Philips

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”

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Emo Philips

“New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.”

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Emo Philips

“You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”

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Emo Philips

“Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.”

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Emo Philips

“I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.”

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Emo Philips

“I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."”

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Emo Philips

“Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”

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