Emo Philips is an American entertainer and comedian. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians and garden path sentences.
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(41 quotes found)
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
Emo Philips
“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.”
“New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.”
“You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”
“I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.”
“Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”
“My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.”
“Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.”