Emo Philips is an American entertainer and comedian. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians and garden path sentences.
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(41 quotes found)
“I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.”
Emo Philips
“I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.”
“I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."”
“I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.”
“I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.”
“At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.”
“I'm a great lover, I'll bet.”
“I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.”
“People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.”
“When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.”