Rita Rudner is an American comedienne and writer.
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(43 quotes found)
“I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.”
“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”
“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.”
“My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.”
“My mother buried three husbands Ð and two of them were only napping.”
“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
“Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before”
“They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.”
“Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”
“Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.”
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