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Stephen Wright

Nationality:: American
Quote count:: 157
Times favorited:: 220

All quotes by Stephen Wright

(157 quotes found)

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“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”

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“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

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“I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day 'cause that means it's gonna be up all night.”

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“I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."”

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“If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.”

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“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”

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“The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.”

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“If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”

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“I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!”

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“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.”

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