(157 quotes found)
“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”
Stephen Wright
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I may have forgotten this before.”
“I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day 'cause that means it's gonna be up all night.”
“I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."”
“Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.”
“Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.”
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.”
“I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.”
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
