(157 quotes found)
“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”
Stephen Wright
“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”
“I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."”
“A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat”
“I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...”
“I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!”
“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.”
“Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.”
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”
“Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time”
