(157 quotes found)
“If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”
Stephen Wright
“I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.”
“I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.”
“If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”
“It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.”
“Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.”
“Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.”
“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”
“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”
“Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?”
