“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”
Mitch Hedberg
“If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“how is it that "no" is shorter than "yes" and "maybe" and yet people still find it hard to say no? they would rather lie or stall when what they really want to say is a simple NO”
Phillip Buyondo
“One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit**, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera. What's it look like?'”
“I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”
“That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.”
“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.”
