“What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street... It's a way to open shit...”
Mitch Hedberg
“My son, why take antibiotics and analgesic for your sports injury; instead drink milk and you will get traces of antibiotics, analgesic and antidepressants from milk itself and occasionally you may get energy as a bonus”
Dr Hitesh C Sheth
“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'”
“I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.”
Fran Lebowitz
“I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner.”
“That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.”
“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
