“One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit**, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera. What's it look like?'”
Mitch Hedberg
“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”
“What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street... It's a way to open shit...”
“I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner.”
“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.”
“That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.”
