“My wife told me I’m always watching TV and never paying attention to her. So she got a job as a news reporter.”
Muntazir M.
“I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach?! I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they invent a product before you shrivel and die. And they said, you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to see a product that was available for three easy payments, and one fuckin' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch: the mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamps will be in the wrong denomination...Good luck f*cker! The last payment must be made in wompum!”
Mitch Hedberg
“The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it's more politically correct”
Star Trek
“Am I invisible? Do I not have a voice? I had that idea two days ago!”
Jan Brady
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.”
Erma Bombeck
“Ninety-eight percent of American homes have TV sets, which means the people in the other 2% have to generate their own sex and violence.”
Franklin P. Jones
“I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?'”
Jerry Seinfield
