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Groucho Marx Quotes

Total quotes: 33
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.”
— Groucho Marx, 30 great one-liners
Tagged: Funny Quotes, Funny Insults, Forgetting Faces, One-Liners
“Your producer, who you say idolizes me, is obviously a brilliant fellow.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: Ego, Irony, Idols, Brilliant
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.”
— Captain Jeffrey T. Spaulding, Animal Crackers
Tagged: Elephant, pajamas, Literal
“Even suicide is cheaper out here. The California motorist will, on the average, knock off three pedestrians a month.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: Suicide, California, Pedestrians, Irony
“Well, that’s one of the nice things about holding the purse strings. Eventually the children come around to seeing things your way.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: Purse Strings, Parenting, Discipline, Money
“The weather here has been glorious. The pussywillows are in full bloom and though I am loath to say this, I think the little willows have been getting more pussy this year than ever before.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: Good Weather, Pussywillows, Double Entendre
“Despite his obvious deficiencies, I can truly say that his entire organization (to say nothing of me) loves him with the same fervor that is usually reserved for men like Stalin, Hitler and Torquemada.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Torquemada, Irony
“The following morning I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.”
— Groucho Marx, Groucho and me
Tagged: Self-Esteem
“I only cite these annoyances to show you that it isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”
— Groucho Marx, What was the context for this Groucho Marx quote: "It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in orde?
Tagged: Kansas City, Relatives, Annoyances, Unhappy
“Red hair makes a man want to recover his health quickly, so he can get on his feet and the nurse off hers.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: Redheads, Health, Vigor
“Despite the fact that I regard myself as an extremely glamorous figure, I rarely receive any mail that would indicate that the fair sex, as a sex, has any interest in me.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: glamor, humor, Fair Sex, Attractiveness
“As I lay there on the bed with a hot-water bottle on my dogs, an electric blanket covering my hairy chest and a half dozen assorted antibiotics tossing around inside of me, I wondered what the hell the world was coming to.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: sickness, Influenza, Existential Despair
“Thanks for the potatoes. Would have thought you’d stuck a piece of butter in each one. They were very nice potatoes.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: Potatoes, Idaho, Thank You, Irony, Ingratitude
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
— Groucho Marx
Tagged: Television, Reading, Education
“I only cite these examples to show that it’s all too true—no one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.”
— Groucho Marx, Groucho and me
Tagged: Envy, Failure
“Here is the autograph. I would send you a lock of my hair, but it’s at the barbershop getting washed.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: Autographs, humor, Toupees
“My predictions are usually accurate. I was the fellow who said there would be no market crash in 1929.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: Great Depression, Stock Market, 1929, Irony
“I will be home in another ten days and will reveal many things that will make your hair stand on end—assuming that you still have any.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: Baldness, humor, insults
“Corresponding with you is like writing letters to an empty coal mine or an aching void.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: Unreciprocated, Ghosting, Correspondence
“The amount of manure that was spread over that auditorium would solve Krushchev’s fertilizer problem for the next ten years.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: Nikita Kruschchev, Republican National Convention, Barry Goldwater, Manure, BS, Fertilizer
“My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.”
— Groucho Marx, Oxford Dictionary of Humorous Quotations
Tagged: Poetry, september
“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”
— Groucho Marx
Tagged: Laughter, Sarcasm
“Left alone in the dismal lobby, I would totter into the creaking elevator and, with a faintly arthritic walk, limp to my suite of one room, there to fortify myself with a glass of Dr. Brown’s Celery Tonic double.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: sickness, Despair, Loneliness, descriptive
“I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.”
— Groucho Marx, Ready Player One
Tagged: Reality, food, Funny
“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.”
— Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings by, for and About Groucho Marx
Tagged: Dogs, Pets, Books, Reading
“I had a very pleasant morning today. To begin with, it was raining.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: Irony, Morning, Rain
“I have no advice to give to young actors. To young, struggling actresses, my advice is to keep struggling. If you struggle long enough, you will never get in trouble and if you never get in trouble, you will never be much of an actress.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: actors, actresses, Advice, Struggling
“I am sending you a photograph of myself at the age of seven. You will probably say to yourself, ‘Why the cigar?’ That’s a very good question. Actually, the cigar is a phony. So is this mustache and, to wrap it all up neatly, so am I.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: Cigars, Mustaches, Letters, Phony, Self-deprecation
“This is ether a day for writing, the early stages of a honeymoon, or fifteen grams of opium. It’s raining, a very pretty rain, not the spasmodic kind that we get in California but a long steady one, the kind they show in the newsreels with the natives sitting on the rooftops with their cattle, wives and chickens.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: Rain, Writing, Honeymoon, California, Newsreels
“An actor should always keep his mouth shut.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: actors, shut up
“Quote me as saying I was misquoted.”
— Groucho Marx, May I Quote You on That?
Tagged: Quotations, Misquoted, Lie to the Media Because They Will Lie About You
“My knowledge of art is infinitesimal. I know that Rembrandt was deaf (no, that was Beethoven). I know that Van Gogh got hungry one day and cut off his own ear and that Toulouse Lautrec walked around on his knees. And that’s about it.”
— Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters: Letters from and to Groucho Marx
Tagged: Art, Irony, Rembrandt, Beethoven, Van Gogh, Toulouse Lautrec
“The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.”
— Groucho Marx, Groucho and me
Tagged: Finland, Writing, liars
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