(549 quotes found)
“I was watching Ashlee Simpson on Jay's show last night... She was really singing, and I was saying, 'Bring back the lip synch.' ...And it struck me that Ashlee Simpson is a lot like George Bush-because she wouldn't even really be in the big leagues if it wasn't for family connections, and she's in way over her head. And she doesn't know what to do. And she blamed her band.”
Bill Maher
“Comedy is acting out optimism.”
Robin Williams
“I love the movie previews... you know... Why is it whenever you're watching a movie preview you always feel like you have to comment on it to the person you're with? 'Yeah... I'm not gonna see that movie. I'm gonna wait for that on VIDEO.' I mean when you think about it, it's just a commercial for the movie. You know, you never sit at home watching tv-- "Yeah... I'm not buying that cereal. I don't like cereals with raisins in 'em. ...What's your take on that commercial? Where you goin'?”
Jim Gaffigan
“There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!”
Jon Stewart
“I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Guns have metamorphosed into cameras in this earnest comedy, the ecology safari, because nature has ceased to be what it always had been , what people needed protection from. Now nature tamed, endangered, mortal , needs to be protected from people.”
Susan Sontag
“In tragedy every moment is eternity; in comedy, eternity is a moment.”
Christopher Fry
“God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.”
Garrison Keillor
“Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'”
“I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...”
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