(4007 quotes found)
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
Emo Philips
“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”
Mae West
“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
Robert McCloskey
“I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”
Winston Churchill
“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”
Stephen Wright
“I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
Woody Allen
“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating......and you finish off as an orgasm.”
George Carlin
“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”
“Why can we remember the tiniest detail that has happened to us, and not remember how many times we have told it to the same person.”
François de la Rochefoucauld
“If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
