(11 quotes found)
“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
Mitch Hedberg
“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.”
“I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”
“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”
“I think that they should call a cheese grater by its real name...a sponge ruiner.”
“What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street... It's a way to open shit...”
“That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.”
“I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
“One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit**, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera. What's it look like?'”
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”
