(1276 quotes found)
“Strangely enough, the first time I tried to read the book [The Lord of the Rings] I was on holiday in Florida. I dropped it in the pool my first day there. If that's not a Pippin thing to do, I don't know what is.”
“Hi. You know with everything going down in West Palm Beach, and the holidays right around the corner I couldn't think of a better time to share one of my favorite children's classics, it's called: "How the Grinch Stole the Election". And ah--I'd like to read it to you now, shall we?
Every Jew down in Jew-vile liked elections a lot,
But the Grinch who lived over in Austin did not.
I know they'll be voting for Gore, he was thinking,
By Wednesday--the latest--I'll be back to my drinking.
Election Day came and the voting was close,
At one point the Grinch even started to boast,
'It's the Grinch by a nose!' all the newsmen exclaimed,
Even Dan Rather who was clearly insane.
But was he the winner, hey not so fast--
Al Gore called him up and said, "Grinch, kiss my ass!"
The race was too tight to say who was elected,
The Grinch was so stressed his face got infected.
All eyes turned to Jewville to sort out the mess,
But Hyman and Hershel and dear old Aunt Bess,
Were too senile to vote for the one that they liked,
They poked the wrong hole and joined the Third Reich.
The Jews down in Jewville took to the streets,
To complain about fraud, not to mention the heat.
The Grinch said something that couldn't be gosher,
'This election my friends, is perfectly kosher.'
Then a judge ruled each vote should be counted by hand,
The Grinch said, 'That's not what my brother Jeb had planned.'
His lawyers filed motions and junctions and writs,
Demanding that Gore and the Jews call it quits.
But just when the Grinch thought the deal had gone through,
He met Cindy Lou Lipshitz, age 92.
'Why?' she cried, 'Did you steal our election?'
The Grinch just laughed and gave her a lethal injection.
They say the Grinch's ego grew 3 sizes that day,
Unfortunately his brain went the opposite way.
So here's a lesson for now and for later,
Don’t blame me-- I voted for Nader!”
“My dad used to say that the holidays are when you get a whole bunch of people that really aren't that close and don't know each other that well and overcrowd them into a small room for an extended period of time so they can make each other miserable.”