“I always wondered, why is hearing voices in your head a sign of insanity? Isn't that exactly where you should hear them coming from? Now, if you started hearing voices in your feet, *then* I'd say you have serious problems.”
Colin Gorman
“I don't believe in reincarnation, but I hope that I will in my next life.”
“Insanity is only insanity if you don't have a good agent and publicist.”
“Empathy is not a substitute for introspection. Stepping into someone else's shoes because yours don't fit means you still get to walk in ill-fitting shoes, you just don't get to own them.”
“The cruelest joke in the history of the world was man being given so much reason and women were made unreasonable, while women were given so much tolerance and men were made intolerable.”
“Are there moths on the way to the sun right now going, "It's gonna be worth it!"?”
Bill Hicks
“The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?”
“Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider!”
George Carlin
“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating......and you finish off as an orgasm.”
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
Drew Carey
