“HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK. 1. Open a new file in your computer.2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.4. Empty the Recycle Bin.5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'7. Feel better?”
Richard Schanberger
“Warning!!! Very important, please read!!! Vodka and ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum and ice will ruin your liver. Whisky and ice will ruin your heart. Gin and ice will ruin your brain. Coke and ice will ruin your teeth. That bloody ice is lethal!!! Warn all your friends: Lay off the ice!!”
“There are only two groups of people that constantly "Whine" about life not being fair: One is children under 10 and the other is Liberals.”
“A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause 3 times as many accidents.”
“If you want your marrage to end in divorce, Just give up on the art of intercourse.”
“[T]he cure for: a) the budget deficit = more taxes; b) unemployment = more taxes; c) recession = more taxes; d) environmental problems = more taxes; e) illiteracy = more taxes; f) L.A. riots = more taxes. It doesn’t matter what the nature of the problem is.”
“To be honest, I wouldn’t lend the federal government money if I weren’t forced to out of each paycheck.”
“Everyone has three lives: a public life, a private life, and a secret life.”
“They sent my Census form back! AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployable people, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 more in the U.S. House and Senate. Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.”
“‘Personal Responsibility??? Never heard of it!!’”
