Emo Philips is an American entertainer and comedian. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians and garden path sentences.
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(41 quotes found)
“Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”
“I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only using blanks.”
“I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.”
“I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.”
“You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.”
“My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.”
“I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.”
“My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.”
“Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?”
“In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.”
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