(157 quotes found)
“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
“If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”
“There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
“I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.”
“When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded”
“My friend invented Cliff's Notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well, first I... I just... well, to make a long story short..."”
“I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!”
“If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.”
“Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?”
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