“If I cannot smoke cigars in Heaven, I shall not go”
“I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places”
“Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.”
“It has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake”
“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”
“The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.”
“May you get to heaven a half hour before the devil knows you're dead”
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