“I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.”
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
“I never wanted to see anybody die, but there are a few obituary notices I have read with pleasure”
“It's like obituaries, when you die they finally give you good reviews.”
“When I die, if the word 'thong' appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I've screwed up.”
“I'll be the one with the steering wheel through my chest. You can write the obituary.”
“Epitaphs are cheap, and they do a poor chap a world of good after he is dead, especially if he had hard luck while he was alive. I wish they were used more.”
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