“It's been hard to keep this a secret. He just wanted to make sure it was either really bad news or really good news before putting it out. We're thankful it's really glad news.”
“Your latest news is just news being repeated over and over again. It's old news already.”
“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
“It is better to be making the news than taking it; to be an actor rather than a critic”
“Nothing travels faster than light, with the possible exception of bad news, which follows its own rules”
“When we hear news we should always wait for the sacrament of confirmation”
“That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are above average”
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