“My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."”
“I'm remarkably intuitive; therefore, I know that my instincts will not always be right.”
“Sometimes you just gotta wear the tinfoil hat.”
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“Kinda jealous of Felicia, that chick is always going somewhere.”
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“If I were to see the future and notice that I were alive at age of ninety, I would, at sixty, end it all before the possibility of adult diapers.”
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