“I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.”
“The way we speak of our parents teaches our children the way
they will speak of us to our grandchildren.”
“It's painful to speak about these things because, first of all, I'm speaking about a lady, ... I'm just happy I managed to eliminate double standards.”
“I wish I could drink like a lady / I can take one or two at the most / Three and I'm under the table / Four and I'm under the host”
“Happy birthday to former First Lady Barbara Bush, who turned seventy-seven this week. Unfortunately, where her granddaughters helped blow out the candles on her cake, it exploded.”
“I always clean before the cleaning lady comes. If not, when I come home, I can't find anything. Cleaning ladies are always hiding things you leave out.”
“Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.”
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