(4627 quotes found)
“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”
“Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.”
“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else”
“I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.”
“If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.”
“Tell me I'm clever, Tell me I'm kind, Tell me I'm talented, Tell me I'm cute, Tell me I'm sensitive, Graceful and wise, Tell me I'm perfect-- But tell me the truth.”
“Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.”
“Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“Computers have enabled people to make more mistakes faster than almost any invention in history, with the possible exception of tequila and hand guns”
“The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
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