(4717 quotes found)
“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else”
“Tell me I'm clever, Tell me I'm kind, Tell me I'm talented, Tell me I'm cute, Tell me I'm sensitive, Graceful and wise, Tell me I'm perfect-- But tell me the truth.”
“Computers have enabled people to make more mistakes faster than almost any invention in history, with the possible exception of tequila and hand guns”
“If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.”
“Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.”
“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”
“Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.”
“I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.”
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
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