(4766 quotes found)
“If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.”
“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”
“Tell me I'm clever, Tell me I'm kind, Tell me I'm talented, Tell me I'm cute, Tell me I'm sensitive, Graceful and wise, Tell me I'm perfect-- But tell me the truth.”
“I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.”
“Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.”
“Computers have enabled people to make more mistakes faster than almost any invention in history, with the possible exception of tequila and hand guns”
“This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.”
“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else”
“Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
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