(4726 quotes found)
“Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.”
“I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.”
“Computers have enabled people to make more mistakes faster than almost any invention in history, with the possible exception of tequila and hand guns”
“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else”
“If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.”
“Tell me I'm clever, Tell me I'm kind, Tell me I'm talented, Tell me I'm cute, Tell me I'm sensitive, Graceful and wise, Tell me I'm perfect-- But tell me the truth.”
“Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.”
“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose”
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