(1351 quotes found)
“Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.”
“Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.”
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.”
George F. Burns
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.”
“Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.”
“Nobody says you must laugh, but a sense of humor can help you overlook the unattractive, tolerate the unpleasant, cope with the unexpected, and smile through the day”
“The kind of humor I like is the thing that makes me laugh for five seconds and think for ten minutes.”
“Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”
“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”
“A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.”
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