(1369 quotes found)
“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”
“Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself”
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.”
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck”
“If you could choose one characteristic that would get you through life, choose a sense of humor.”
“You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.”
“The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.”
“Good humor is the health of the soul, sadness its poison”
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